Sexuality and Depression
According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, ’on average, 20 people per minute are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner’, ‘nearly 2 million women raped in a year.
‘Rape’ is a strong word and I’m not comfortable using that word for my experience. But if rape means ‘sexual intercourse against one’s will’, it would fit the bill.
About a decade ago when I did not have the diagnosis of depression, the incident happened. Looking back, I’m sure I was depressed at the time. My partner wanted sex and reached out to me. I just remember thinking, ‘no, no’ in my mind, not being able to react in any way. I was just lying there. My partner maybe didn’t realize that I wasn’t reacting at all. He reached climax and then rolled over and went to sleep pretty quickly. It was unusual, in the sense that usually he lingers afterwards.
I think it is due to that experience, I started thinking men just want to have sex to get pleasure; that it probably didn’t even matter who they are with; they just need a warm body.
The thought did not turn me away from sex immediately. But whenever there was a discord in sexual communication, the idea would return, each time gaining more power. I wish I could do away with the thought. I wish that that incident didn’t happen or that I could go back to the pre-incident set of mind.
Having depression doesn’t help. It’s said that with depression, you have decreased libido. Which is understandable since you just don’t find interest in doing anything with depression. But on the other hand, most of the antidepressants have side effect of decreased libido. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Sexual intercourse became an obligation. I totally wouldn’t mind if I never had another one.